Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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