So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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