its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
