the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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