Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
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