some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
