Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
