I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
