I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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