I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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