My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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