ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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