I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
