when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
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