I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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