I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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