Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
