I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
