I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
