Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
