i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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