Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
