It's like God shit irony all over that family
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
