from now on my penis is your penis
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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