She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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