he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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