Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
