She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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