you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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