she woke up with a sticky ear
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
