he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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