Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
