thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize