i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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