Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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