He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Sext me about skeletons
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
