I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
