I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
