I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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