Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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