i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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