FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
