If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
