Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
