he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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