her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
