I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
