dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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