Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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