I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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