This is not my ceiling
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
