I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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