You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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