Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
