True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
