turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize