My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
