There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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