I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
