There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
