just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
