Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
