he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
