bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
