so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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