Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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