im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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