3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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