update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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